The Indian social landscape is being dotted by women who are shining examples of profundity and gumption. Their special achievement? Adopting children – as single women – in a culture that glorifies marriage, blood ties and the heteronormative family as the ultimate traits of womanhood and ‘decent’ families.

Writen by Amrita Nandy.

Women who cannot bear children often endure great physical and emotional pain for years to have their ‘own’ biological children. These single mothers cut the physical, social and emotional chase with their revolutionary choices. They shake many pillars of social conventions and re-define belonging as something that can transcend the human obsession with procreation. In their book, a child - whether linked to your womb or heart – can make you a parent.

Single adoptive mothers seem to be mushrooming all across India. In cities such as Chandigarh, Bangalore, Delhi, Hyderabad and Mumbai, there is a slow yet steady increase of acceptance and admiration of  these women. Many of them have common characteristics: They are highly educated and accomplished professionals.

Educated single women

Dr Suma Ray is a 40-year-old scientist with a Ph.D. She worked in Germany and the US, before returning to India to adopt a baby. She currently works with a leading biotechnology firm in Gurgaon, near Delhi, where she heads the Asia operations.

Malini Parmar, the adoptive mother of two girls (siblings) in Bangalore, is a product of the Delhi College of Engineering and Indian Institute of Management-Kolkata

Mumbai-based Amy Thanawala is a filmmaker and runs her own production house. In Chandigarh is Dr Charu Sharma, yet another single adoptive mother and a scientist with the Government of India, who has a Ph.D. and a post-doctoral fellowship under her belt. 

Since many of these women are financially independent, their need to nurture and raise a child may perhaps win them easier social acceptability.

 “Adoption is a social taboo especially for single women. Yet, there are more women than ever before who are adopting. I myself know 10-15 single adoptive mothers. But reactions to them vary. I have been lucky. My daughter and I have received tremendous support from my family and friends,” Says Ray

Parmar expected prejudice and bias but did not encounter it. “I spent time convincing my close family but expected a much colder response from my very conservative extended family in Himachal. But without exception, they loved the girls,” she says.

Sharma, too, echoes the same sentiment, “My brothers have a child each but the child who is loved the most in the family is my daughter. My parents have been my biggest support and pitch in to take care of their granddaughter.” 

Sharing stories

It is not just family members who stood by as support but also a much wider network. The PGCAI, or People's Group for Child Adoption in India, has 750 online members who offer advice, encouragement and even mentoring as prospective adoptive parents move from the pre-adoption to post-adoption phases.

The founder of the network, Nishank; “I started the group in November 2007. At that point there were very few national-level forums to promote adoption in India. While the PGCAI had started as an online group, we have tried to place emphasis on organising Adoption Meets in different cities so that people can meet in person and share their experiences.” 
 

Ray, for example, talks about the immense difficulties and discriminations she faced as a single adoptive mother. She described how while trying to get a ‘tatkal’ (urgent issuance) passport for her daughter, she was informed that the scheme cannot be used for adopted kids, although there are no rules to this effect. Moreover, her daughter’s birth certificate states “adopted child” by the name of her daughter and “adoptive mother” by her own name.

When she complained to the government officer, the female officer apparently lamented that this “ganda (bad) case” had come to her. Sharma also faced problems while getting her daughter admitted to school, “Despite telling them that I had adopted my daughter, most insisted on the father’s name. They looked at me strangely. The school that finally agreed to take my daughter simply struck off the column that asked for the father’s name. My daughter has my surname.”

Being a single woman, Thanawala was shown the door by many agencies in Mumbai, “Couples are given preference over single women. When agencies in Mumbai and Pune failed me, I finally found my daughter in Chennai where I was told that she had no takers perhaps because she is dark-skinned and had a squint. Both things did not matter to me in the least and I jumped at the chance of having her.”

Differently shaped

One of the most substantial reasons single mothers are spurned is their real or perceived ‘rejection’ of marriage. Since motherhood is placed within the institution of marriage, they are seen to sever and subvert the link between the two ‘sacred’ roles. But while most do not think being single has meant a major personal loss, some fear it may have an adverse impact on the growth and development of their children.

Thanawala shares how after her father passed away, her daughter seems affected by the loss and tries to make up by clinging to male relatives. Sharma thinks that while she may not feel the need for her former husband, who she had divorced soon after the adoption, her daughter feels the absence of a father figure. For Ray, though, “marriage was never a pre-requisite for motherhood…I earn decent money, look after my home and can do everything on my own. Though it may be good to have someone to consult it is sometimes easier if you can take all the decisions yourself.”

The most radical part of being a single adoptive mother is the proof that families can be created socially and not just naturally.Families can come in different shapes and sizes.

 From Women's Feature Service / Amrita Nandy