Sex before marriage is forbidden for young Muslims, but how does this work in a country like the Netherlands where attitudes to sex are different?

Even before the death of Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh, Islam and integration was a controversial topic. Van Gogh was known for his critical stance on fundamentalist Islam and was murdered for it. His film Submission depicts the violence women experience in Islamic culture.

Young women are under the most pressure and those who break strict moral codes are sometimes punished by their families and communities.

New efforts are being made to understand the long-standing taboos surrounding Islam and sex. Ingeborg Beugel, for instance, has devoted a six-part documentary to the issue. The idea for it stemmed from an incident at her daughter's school. The girl came home outraged one day after she and her friends were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' by Turkish and Moroccan boys, as Ingeborg explains:

"She began to talk like a racist, saying these guys should 'go home' if they don't accept young girls like me to have sex before marriage. I thought: 'everyone is talking about how our integration has failed and everyone is talking about language problems but I think the real obstacle for integration is these different attitudes towards sexual morals and different attitudes between men and women."

Double standards
Ingeborg learnt about the double standards that exist among Muslim men and women, particularly on the issue of virginity. Boys talked to her openly about their sexual encounters, usually with girls from different ethnic backgrounds. But they expected to marry a Muslim virgin. Meanwhile, Ingeborg discovered that Muslim girls with experience with sex were too terrified to speak on camera in case their family and community found out.

"The biggest thing I learnt was the structure of lies these girls live with. I met a Moroccan woman who is 32 years old, and who's lived in secrecy with a Dutch guy for four years. Then Mama comes to visit them and the poor couple have to clean the apartment so there will be no trace of the man when Mama comes. The girl told me that in her culture anything you say to your parents that is not true but out of respect is not lying and I thought 'wow! I never knew that.'"

22-year-old Jihad wants to marry a Muslim boy. She says he doesn't need to be Moroccan but it'll be much easier with her family if he was. "To tell you the truth I find them much cuter and he'll be able to communicate with my parents."

Male virginity
Her friend Malika agrees. She's 23 and hopes for a career in the media. "I'd prefer a Muslim guy, though it does make it pretty hard for us to assimilate because if I do marry a Moroccan, our children will be Moroccan people living in Holland. That's not a bad thing but you have to be able to deal with it."

The girls are still both virgins but accept the different standards for boys. "They aren't told as much and often find out later that virginity for them is also stated in the Koran." Malika would be disappointed not to find a virgin but acknowledges they're few and far between. Jihad thinks it's important that if he wasn't, he'd have regrets. "If he did, he'd be my man!"

Many Moroccan mothers prevent their daughters marrying Dutch men even if they have converted to Islam. Ingeborg found this to be one of the core problems behind integration in Holland and thinks it is the primary issue the politicians should address. She spoke to many mothers around her own age:

"One 47-year-old Turkish women told me Turkish boys were better than Dutch boys, but for me the ultimate integration is love, marriage, making children together. If that is stopped then, yeah, we have an integration problem. I can't believe this hasn't been really recognised before now."

Great impact
Ingeborg's documentary series has triggered a discussion in the Netherlands. The chief of police in The Hague has ordered the whole series to be shown to his corps. Many schools want to use it as teaching material. It has also triggered an explosion of interest on message boards on Moroccan-Dutch websites. Ingeborg says: "If you've caused a stir and people are talking about it then that's a dream for a film maker."

Meanwhile, Jihad and Malika have been asked to act as advisors to a new website launched by the Rutgers Nisso Group, the Dutch centre for sex education. The site offers advice and information specifically to ethnic minorities living in the Netherlands, most of them Muslim.

"Because many parents don't talk about sex there's a need for basic information, says Jihad. "On the website, you can ask any question about sex, discuss your relationship and there are also professionals on hand to deal with specific problems."

Malika adds, "Another issue is arranged marriage, it's not a Muslim thing, it's just a cultural thing and has to be your own choice. We deal with a lot of taboos but you can use a nickname, be totally anonymous and dare to talk."

Virtual freedom
Ingeborg is a fan of the new website, launched on Valentine's Day, just days before the showing of the first episode of her documentary. 'It must be heaven for these girls; it must be freedom because they cannot talk to anyone. There's still a lot to be done but we've taken a step. The real change will happen when their parents are dead."

Jihad believes slow changes have already begun. "We're the second generation and we talk openly about sex, so I say 'Just leave the first generation.'"

Malika has decided to be open with her kids; "I would like my children to be able to ask me anything they like about sex."

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