Sahar Jahish (25) has returned to Afghanistan for the first time since she fled her native country at the age of five. Sahar returns and files regular reports of her special trip.

"My trip really started when I was still in the Netherlands. As the days go by, I become more and more excited. Twenty years is a long time not to have visited your native country.
I grew up with the notion that my country is a difficult place to visit, but after the fall of the Taliban regime in 2001, my people gradually found the courage to travel to their native country. Ever since I’ve been longing to go.

When I graduated in March as a journalist, I took a decision: now or never. I plucked up courage and booked a ticket to Afghanistan. I was five when I left my fatherland with my parents and, via a detour, ended up in the Netherlands. I have spent most of my life living abroad. I don’t have a clear definition of an Afghan. What makes an Afghan an Afghan?

I never really thought about this before, but now that I am returning to my roots, I need to know what my background really is. So now I have found out that I have been influenced by both the Dutch and the Afghan culture.

And yet, I don’t know what to expect from my trip. And I am scared too.

In the first place I fear people will reject met. They may not see me as an Afghan, because I live in Europe and hold a Dutch passport. They may feel superior because, despite all the hardship, they never left their country. However, an Afghan living in Afghanistan will never know what difficulties I have experienced as an asylum seeker and refugee. I had to start all over, again and again, make new friends, learn a new language and live in an unfamiliar society. However, that’s a different issue.

I’m also afraid I will have no feeling for my country. Maybe I won’t feel at home there, or my Dutch side may clash with Afghan norms and values. And I have not even mentioned the position of women there.
I’m thinking so much it’s giving me a headache. Until eventually I decide to stop thinking and just accept whatever is going to happen.

And then, the big day has come. I am tense. For the first time, I am going on such a long trip all by myself. I still don’t realise I’m actually returning to my native country. This feeling is still absent after landing at Kabul Airport. It’s only when I’m in the car driving through the city’s streets that I know I’m back.

Despite the fact that some areas have been reduced to rubble, it all looks exactly the same as how I experienced it as a child 20 years ago; a vibrant city. The small shops along the streets, the chaotic traffic, the beggars and the piercing looks I get from the men.

However, when I make my first trip to the centre of Kabul, I don’t know what hit me. I feel so scrutinised and I don’t know why. I have adjusted my attire to the Afghan dress code: a shalwar kameez and a very big scarf. My father says people can somehow tell I’m from abroad. I cannot believe it: I couldn’t possibly look more Afghan than this!

I have asked a few women why the men here are so ‘dirty’. They say women have been kept at home for a long time and men are not used to seeing women in the streets. It’s impossible for me to comprehend.

This may sound strange, but after experiencing this, I can understand why Afghan women wear a burqa. I even considered wearing one myself, but decided against it. How long must women hide behind veils because men go crazy when they see a woman?

However, something completely different: all these dirty men are Adonises. I have never seen such beautiful eyes. Some are bright green and others bright blue. They stand out from metres away.

However, let’s talk about what struck me most. Two boys walking hand in hand. I think that is really strange. Gay men in Afghanistan?, I ask myself, but my father says they are not gay. He says it’s normal around here for good friends to walk hand in hand. However, I have not seen girls walking hand in hand, or a boy and a girl. I think it’s strange. I believe they are secretly gay, and this in a strict country like Afghanistan.”