She is back in her homeland, Afghanistan, for the first time. Sahar Jahish (25) was five when she fled her country. The fall of the Taliban in 2001 gave her the courage to start planning her return. She recently graduated as a journalist and is sending regular reports of her exceptional journey.

The presidential elections are over and just one day later the holy month of the Ramadan is about to begin. At first television programmes were dominated by the presidential candidates. Now you see mullahs with turbans telling you how good it is to fast. All day long they cite passages from the Qur'an.

Ramadan
At first I was glad to be going back to my country during Ramadan. But I had forgotten how Afghans interpret Islam. During my childhood I got to know an Islam that was all about fear. Everything you did was a sin. More than anything else, you had to pray five times a day and fulfil your other duties, otherwise you would burn in hell.

As a result I spent a long time being an unbeliever. When I left home to start studying, I got to know a peace-loving Islam. I decided to start calling myself a Muslim again.
 

But when I came back to Afghanistan I was reminded of the Islam from my childhood. The Islam which made me scared. Which confused me.

Freedom to choose
I had a completely different idea of what Ramadan would be like. I thought it would be easier in an Islamic country than in the Netherlands. But I miss the freedom to choose whether you want to fast.

In Afghanistan, Islam is an authoritarian religion. There is no free will. I know that with Islam everything should come from your heart. But all I see here are rules which are imposed on people. The fact that women are forced to wear headscarves is against the rules of Islam.
 

Every Friday afternoon I hear sermons from the local imam via loudspeakers. They are all about hell and damnation. All the man talks about are the things that you MUST do, otherwise you will burn in hell for many years.

I never hear anything positive about this religion. Why is it that I never hear that it is good to help those around you? Or to share food with your neighbours?  I get angry and blame the religion. But then I tell myself: "Don't be so stupid. It is people that do this, not the religion."

 
Sin
Since I've been here, I've heard the most ridiculous ideas about things that are forbidden by Islam. For example, my cousins tell me women are not allowed to shave their legs or under their arms, because it is a sin. When I ask where it says that in the Qur'an, they don't know.
 

Likewise, women are not allowed to use sanitary towels or drink water with their left hand on their head, because otherwise their legs will hurt. You shouldn't drink water in one go, but in three stages.
 

It makes me angry and frustrated. In this country religion is used to keep people dumb. The imams block all social development. And people live in fear. Afghanistan is a land of damaged souls and horrendous religious leaders.